her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize