Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
