My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize