The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
