Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
