So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
