a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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