does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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