i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
