Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
