After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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