his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
