I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize