i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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