i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
