I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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