I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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