Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
