I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
