Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
