You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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