how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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