Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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