Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
