We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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