I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
