i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
