I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
