Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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