Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
