I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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