Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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