My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
