Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
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