It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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