I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
