He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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