So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
