I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize