my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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