You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize