I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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