I am in a vortex of obligation.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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