Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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