A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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