The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize