We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
