the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
