I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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