Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
