He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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