Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
