Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
