all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I did not marry a roomba.
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