TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
