and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
