I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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