If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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