turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize