Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
