it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
