It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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