his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
