It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
