the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
