maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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