you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Randomize
