If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
