I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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