pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
