I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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